whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
