I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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