According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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