Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
