I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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