Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
