i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
whose parrot is this?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
