do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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