on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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