Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Randomize
