rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
