TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You made out with two different species that night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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