I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
