I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
