My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
