It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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