I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
