I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
