i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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