i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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