and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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