It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
