I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
