I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
