I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
