It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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