I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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