I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
