I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
