Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
