So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are we still banned from the library?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
