Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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