I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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