that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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