hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So many bounce houses so little time
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
