I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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