Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
