I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
