I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I die, sorry about rent.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
