I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
