pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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