Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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