i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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