your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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