You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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