Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
