He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
