Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
