Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
