Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
